Random Ranting

morgtheborg @ 2008-11-05T19:31:00

2008-11-06T02:33:22Z

I am honestly disturbed that Obama is going to be our next President.
Thoroughly disturbed.

I'm not going to vote in any more Presidential elections until someone I actually think deserves to win is running.

I anticipate a long wait.

Morgan's Republican Picks

2007-12-11T18:05:15Z

Ron Paul--1
Fred Thompson --1
John McCain--2
Mike Hukabee--2

No words

2007-08-02T21:25:07Z

http://www.sheilaomalley.com/archives/002072.htmlT

I have a kiss, too, among a longer list of more pedestrian kisses, that stays with me.

Sometimes I don't even think that it really happened. Like it was a dream.. or like the whole half-year was a nightmare. Of course, more than a decade later, it has grown larger in my head. Details become inflated, romance added. The thing is, at the heart, it's true.

Just like there are certain elements from the periodic table that can only exist briefly under select circumstances, there are emotions that exist the same way.

I was 20 years old, a patient on the bone marrow transplant unit at the Medical College of Virginia Hospitals. There were six rooms on that ward, all sealed for sterility because we would have no white blood cells for the better part of a week, then new immune defense systems for another few months. So, we only saw each other.

A girl, I think 18 (funny how time plays with the details - never mind, though, it's the image that matters) came onto the floor the day one patient was released and another died. She came, like me, bald already from months of treatment, skinny as a sheet of wax paper. (I jokingly told her we were so skinny we could "hanglide off Doritos." When you've got late-stage cancer, you get your laughs where you can find them).

The other 4 on our ward were older. Most had just been re-diagnosed or come out of remission and instead of risking long-term chemotherapy that might not work, decided to do the bone marrow transplant up front while they were still healthy (also funny how your re-define words like "healthy" when you have cancer) and had the best chance for survival.

So we sort of gravitated toward each other, Sheila (yep, that was her name) and I, because of our age, I guess, and because our rooms were next door to each other. Interestingly, she said she originally had jet black hair, then did a course of treatment and it grew back blond, which broke her heart she said, but also gave her a great conversation starter. I would never see what color was planning on coming out after this treatment.

We could only see each other maybe once a week out of our own physical weakness. However, my transplant "took" and I started moving around more.. walking to visit the other patients, especially when I heard they had a bad day. Looking back, this was the beginning of the compulsion to go to where hurting people were and do what I could - I've been an emergency room chaplain and ICU chaplain for a while now.

Sheila, on the other hand, was not getting better. She grew frail and tired and non-responsive. The nurses kept asking me if I could visit from time to time when I could, so when I had that rare hour or so with some energy I'd roll my IV stand (mmm... lunch! I only took in food intravenously for 5 weeks) into her room. Usually she'd be asleep. Always on her back, her head on its side in the pillow, a few straggling strands of hair against a face that was literally white now. It had been yellow and jaundiced for a while, but this far along all the color had gone out of her life I guess, and her skin was the metaphor.

It always makes me stop to remember that ghastly (when you were in the same sinking boat, you could call each other "ghastly") struggle for breath, like her lungs were fighting against her. A loud inhale, as if surfacing from minutes underwater, then sinking down to the bed, then repeat.

That day, Sheila had a bloody nose for 7 and a half hours. In the morning it started and, with no white blood cells and no healthy marrow to help produce reds, clotting was nearly impossible. (My dream kisses never used to include the word "clotting," but there it is) She had something on the order of 4 blood transfusions that day.

I came in (it was late May) around 7:30. Just a little light left outside, bleeding in through the wall-sized hospital room windows. I shuffled in, really. I had heard reports from Sheila's room all day. There is a time when time is just over.. when you're waiting for the inevitable outcome and trying to ease pain however you can. At these moments, anything is allowable... forgiveness, irrationality, anger, romance, even pulling of plugs, as the metaphor goes. It is what James Taylor indirectly refers to as "time spent out of time."

She had confessed the week before that she had never had a boyfriend. Certainly she had been kissed, she said, but never a boyfriend. Those are the things that hurt you when you heard them, more than negative diagnoses... sick since she was 12.. never had a boyfriend, never been to a water park, never gone to college... I mean, what the Hell was God thinking? And it meant more to the six of us.. we all had our list of "never"s, didn't we?

So I shuffled in. She was awake; looking back, four transfusions can give you a bit more vigor... like a sudden rush of blood to the head, only in this case a rush of blood everywhere. In Sheila's case, "a bit more vigor" meant coherence.

She turned her head and smiled just a little when she saw me. You cannot imagine anything more frail-looking. I think to this day that you could see the light from a flashlight through her body if you held one up to her back.

So what the hell was I supposed to do? This is one of the too-many moments I had in my life where I learned that sometimes comfort is impossible and during those times, the best form of communication is silence.

I just sort of shuffled to the side of the bed and stood there. There was a nurse in the room, at the foot of her bed. Later, the nurse would say she was "practicing being invisible."

Not knowing what else to do, I smiled as well as I could at Sheila. I took a few specks of crushed ice (BMT patients always have those white styrofoam cups with crushed ice near their beds - they are one of a hundred images that always bring the sense-memories) and leaned over her, just gently brushing her lips to moisten them. Looking back, in cancer patient terms, this is one of the most intimate, compassionate acts one human being can provide for another.

Another hard breath.

On a whim more than anything else, I leaned in and kissed her lips. Sometimes you do things because you don't know what else to do. Sometimes they are even the right thing to do.

Her lips were cold.

Wet from the ice.

Imagine it how you will. Lingering just a bit so that it was more than a simple peck. Not so long that it would interfere with her next breath.

I stood and she smiled again. (Fortunately, because I was internally and, I have no doubt, visibly terrified of what her reaction would be)

What else to do? What else to say? The nurse (nurses on BMT floors were usually like drill sergeants - Ride your stationary bike! Drink! Move!) quietly helped me back to my room. She even tucked me in (my temperature that day was over 100, but I didn't think that was the time to bring it up).

We are all products of our environments, of our circumstances. That was what I did with mine. I still cry to tell the story to my wife. So sue me.

I never realized until now that I've never written about this. I hope it doesn't take up too much space, Red. If so, do delete it... I'll remember to cut and paste it somewhere.

I saw Sheila one more time after that. She was in her room, her parents were there, and another nurse. Sheila was somewhere else, doing something else.

Her parents remembered me from their daily visits and her father, a tall, strong man who now walked like a much smaller, much more tired man, pushed me in a wheelchair beside her. I held her hand for a moment, I think.

She didn't hear a word I said.

morgtheborg @ 2007-07-31T15:50:00

2007-07-31T21:50:37Z

http://catchupblog.typepad.com/catch_up_blog/2007/05/buzz_in_the_blo.html

Anyone who doesn't think this is AWESOME has LOST their mind...just LOST it!

Jeezum.

I'm in awe.

morgtheborg @ 2007-05-08T18:33:00

2007-05-09T00:33:52Z

...This touched me.

I gave a man a 100 dollars today:

Tucked in my palm.

I saw him you see with his wife and kids
eating a place down the street.

I was finishing my meal and saw them sit down
and order rather conservatively.

The two kids ordered burgers no hash browns or extras
the mother, a waffle with toast.

The man got a coffee and a local paper
and turned to the last three pages.

I payed for my ticket and I thought nothing of it,
the waitess was busy, but kind.

I left after that didnt even look back
until something quite strange caught my eye

It was a brown chevy pickup with a pale yellow stripe
running from bumper to bumper.

The tags weren't local; I didn't notice where from
and in the back glass was a cardboard sign:

"-Looking for work Full time or part
-Day labor is also OK"

I stopped for a moment, adding two and two together
and looked back at the resulting four.

They were eating still but finishing up
the bill was lying on the table.

I reached in my pocket and opened my wallet
a five, a ten, a hundred.

I turned and walked back inside,
with the hundred tucked in my palm.

I approached the man and stuck out my hand,
as if to shake his with mine.

He clasped my hand and his head sorta cocked
as he noticed the paper I palmed.

"How ya doing?" I asked
"Good. And you?"
I answered:"Great, but I thought I'd say Hi"

"I'd rather work"
he said to me

"I dont have work"
I answered quietly

Our hands still clasped together.

He nodded once and thanked me twice.
though no one around knew why.

All they saw was a greeting of friends
and a handshake between two men.

I drove back to the house with the windows down and the radio up-

The best money I spent all day.

What my Dad posted on our Website....

2007-04-24T23:29:30Z

With my vorpal blade I have slain the evil jabberwocky of broken connectivity!

Snicker-snack!

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
He chortled in his joy.

I’ll be catching up in the next few days, with more of my anxiously-awaited news and opinions.

I must note, however, that no one has not taken the advice expressed above. I see no new posts.

The man is hilarious.

morgtheborg @ 2007-04-13T00:08:00

2007-04-13T06:08:21Z

http://news.independent.co.uk/world/science_technology/article2444462.ece

This sounds exciting...

morgtheborg @ 2007-04-10T18:17:00

2007-04-11T00:17:33Z

"Laws are one thing, social taboos are another, and if the sole reason for retaining a law is to reinforce a social taboo, then I guess we're admitting that churches. families, and other institutions of cultural value transmission aren't doing their job properly. Ok, that's true, but let's fix them instead of abusing the law by making it perform an un-libertarian role."

http://www.americasdebate.com/forums/simple/index.php/t2220.html

Interesting

2007-04-09T00:31:52Z

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001154.cfm </a>

morgtheborg @ 2007-04-08T15:07:00

2007-04-08T21:21:31Z

If one truly believed abortion was murder, and thought it was just to kill to stop murder---then wouldn't killing aborton doctors be the logical conclusion? I brought up that thought at dinner and other people mentioned that since it was ineffective at changing the laws about abortion, perhaps even harmful to that cause, that the actual correct action would be peaceful protests and education. But I question the morality of "knowing" a murder is occuring in the family planning center down the road, but not stopping it due to the hope that your actions elsewhere will mean that in the long run no abortions will occur. Is that moral, based off the beginning beliefs?

If the Nazis came to my house and I had a Jew hiding in the closet, should I give that person up? Clearly not. But what if by giving that one Jew up I could gain the trust of the Nazis and, from that position, I thought I would be able to ultimately save more Jews? Then is it okay to give that one Jew up?
There's the certain evil, but there isn't a corresponding Certain good. There's only the hope for good.

People who are pro-aborton or love me should be very happy I'm not 100 percent confident that abortion is murder and thus morally reprehensible. 'Cause I would seriously be killing abortion doctors. Sneakily like, of course. So perhaps I'd get away with it...but still. Not a safe choice.

morgtheborg @ 2007-03-26T22:03:00

2007-03-27T04:03:17Z

I wish I was a leaf on the wind.

And I wish Firefly had never been cancelled.

Yep.

Horrifying

2007-03-08T02:13:46Z

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070307/D8NNIR0O0.html

This is utterly horrifying--particularly the "buried alive" aspect.

I mean, jeezum...

morgtheborg @ 2007-03-07T19:08:00

2007-03-08T02:12:09Z

So, I went climbing the mountain today. It basically rocked. We found a swing and some random people. Jonathon showed up, and then Brit, Jon, and I went up to the water tower. Climbing that thing was F.R.E.A.K.Y, but worked out fine for the most part. I lived, after all.

It was Gorgeous up there, truly gorgeous. The exercise and scenery made me so happy.

Dinner was hilarious...Drew is a really funny guy.
Patrick stopped by, Jenny stopped by...

Patrick is threatening to climb up my roomie's balcony and knock on my window in the middle of the night---which sounds frightening as hell, and I will beat him if he does it. Beat him, I say!

Life's good.

I can't wait to see the fam. I've got a fair amount of work...but then fam!

I have a paper due this Friday on what life is...which seems a bit intense, really.

We had today off because the tutor's had Seminar.

Anywho. Yes. Happiness. The sun shows itself more often nowadays, which I like...:)

morgtheborg @ 2007-03-02T16:33:00

2007-03-02T23:33:44Z

Will and I were gophers in seminar today. The tutor saw us and started giggling. The entire room erupted in laughter. I laughed so hard I cried.

Clearly, we are all mental.

morgtheborg @ 2007-03-02T01:10:00

2007-03-02T08:11:37Z

I think...I think I might actually start to be getting this Greek thing.
I mean...the translations are going a lot faster. The benefit of getting vocab down is becoming vastly apparant to me.

Must study more.

I actually really enjoyed the past two hours of Greek translating. Enjoyed.

It's shocking.

morgtheborg @ 2007-02-27T20:41:00

2007-02-28T03:43:18Z

A few days back, Ms. Lind and I co-parented an *embyro...and then dissected it.
It basically rocked.

*chicken embryo

morgtheborg @ 2007-02-26T13:05:00

2007-02-26T20:05:17Z

leasticoulddo.com

Hehe.

morgtheborg @ 2007-02-25T16:44:00

2007-02-25T23:44:47Z

I've never pretended to be an easy person to deal with...

morgtheborg @ 2007-02-24T18:26:00

2007-02-25T01:26:44Z

sinfest.net

Lord, I love that girl, :)

morgtheborg @ 2007-02-19T16:40:00

2007-02-19T23:40:13Z

Karlo called me this afternoon. We talked for about five minutes---he sounds really tired, but good. :)

morgtheborg @ 2007-02-18T18:25:00

2007-02-19T01:25:56Z

There was a book sale here at SJC, and, as soon as it started, the cafetaria just Emptied of all people. Everyone went. It was extraordinarily cool. Paperbacks were one buck, and hardcovers were three bucks. I got five books.

My point, and, yes, I do have one, is that it was really cool to see how many people got uberly excited about this booksale. Kids were wandering around with 15 books in their arms and trying oh so hard to look at just…one…more…

It was sickingly cool.

morgtheborg @ 2007-02-14T22:35:00

2007-02-15T05:35:57Z

Artist: Tracy Bonham Lyrics
Song: Whether You Fall Lyrics
Whether it's the sunshine whether it's the rain
Doesn't make a difference 'til you complain
Whether it's the water coming in from the roof
Does it piss you off that you're not water proof?

Whether you fall means nothing at all
It's whether you get up it's whether you get up

And you hate the silence as it fills up the room
And there's not much to say to your blushing groom
Maybe all eyes are on you as you finish the race
And the world sees you struggling for last place

Whether you fall means nothing at all
It's whether you get up whether you get up

morgtheborg @ 2007-02-14T21:45:00

2007-02-15T04:46:09Z

Penny Arcade Quote:
"I detest scheduled revelry, and I think my inability to remember these manufactured hullabaloos recommends me as a person. This perspective is not universally shared."

http://www.penny-arcade.com/2007/02/14

I actually agree with him, thank you very much.
"Scheduled revelry"...hehe...

morgtheborg @ 2007-02-11T07:09:00

2007-02-11T14:09:58Z

I can't even begin to tell of my night. I shall try to write an acceptable report tomorrow.

morgtheborg @ 2007-02-10T19:08:00

2007-02-11T02:08:59Z

They had Mac and Cheese for dinner today. It made my day. Literally. :D